Relationships with
other people are a vital part of our
learning whether the association
is distant,casual or
intimate.The
most important relationships are those that
involve a close sharing of life’s journey.In close relationship
each partner can serve as a mirror to the other so that ego,
games, and manipulations can be unveiled.If there is clarity
of mind, willingness
to learn, honesty, and compassion,
relationship can help you sort out and let go of the plots
and ploys you've learned
and refined.
Of course, without
clarity, when ego is running the show
it's nearly impossible to learn quickly and change.Rather,
there is a resistance
to change that usually results in
blaming, shaming,
abuse and suffering. Usually, ending
the relationship will not change the way people live and love
They will fall back into the same choices and patterns that
destroyed their
previous relationships.Counseling may or
may not help depending
on the level of awareness of the
counselor and the
degree to which the principals agree
to be honest
and ready to look at their own patterns and
manipulations.
People often
prefer to share their life with another for
a variety
of reasons. A frequently voiced reason is that
they
are looking for their other "half" as though another
person
will complete them,that the other will fill a void
in them.This can be expressed in a "mathematical" expression
:½ + ½ = 1,but the reality can usually be expressed ½
x ½= ¼.
Wholeness cannot come from two incomplete people joining in
a partnership.Often the outcome is disastrous.Of course, if
one is abusive and the other is committed to playing victim
there
will be a modicum of satisfaction in that they help
each
other play out their roles. If they get along well,
they still
might not help each other move to clarity and
wholeness. That's
OK, too.
There is no right or wrong. Just experience.Sooner or later
they'll get
the picture andchange themselves and/or their
partner.But if they think they can “fix” their partner, they
will
have fallen into still another trap and it might take
lifetimes to sort out that misunderstanding.You can mirror the
inappropriate behavior, model appropriate behavior,or try to
explain what you consider to be appropriate. The only one you
can hope to fix is yourself and believing you can fix someone
else is another sort of
ego-game.
Some people are not “safe” playmates.They might have grown up
in some aspects but are developmentally handicapped emotionally,
caught in an adolescent or childish mode of behavior. If you
are trying to share a sandbox with another child who tends to
throw sand and steal your toys, you might find it wiser to leave
the sandbox and then be more careful and alert when you choose
to share another sandbox with someone. If you keep choosing
unsafe playmates,you might then look at your choosing to see what
you are trying to learn
from these experiences.